I’m not sure if other people feel this way or if I’m just a conglomeration of paradoxes, BUT, I walk a fine line between feeling like I’m not doing enough with my life while simultaneously feeling like I’ve done the most.
Can anyone else relate?
It’s a strange contradiction. I can go from feeling like I have done so much in my short life to feeling like I have done next to nothing.
I suppose you could say my point of comparison (which varies) is the reason why I fluctuate in thought, but also, I very rarely compare my life and myself to anyone else. I understand and deeply value my own path because I am a firm believer that comparison is a killer. I will never have the opportunity to be anyone else; I wouldn’t want to be, either. I do not gauge my success, progress, or failures against anyone else’s simply because no one else is me. So, why do I go back and forth between feeling like I’ve done so much to feeling like I’ve done nothing?
I have concluded that I feel this way because of the ideas, goals, and ambition that are embedded within me. Plainly put: my comparison isn’t other people; my comparison is my former AND future self. I’m competing against the person I envision myself being and at times, the person I previously was. I chalk up all my progress and gauge where I am compared to the imaginative me who’s done everything she’s set out to do and the former me who had yet to do what I have done today.
Is this good? In the realm of spirituality, not at all. There’s quite clearly a disconnect between my selves, and my discordance is rooted in chasing a figurative person. If I feel like I’m not doing enough, I am comparing myself against the version of me who is always ten steps ahead. It’s obvious the current “me” will always exist in a lack mentality, if I’m forward looking.
Likewise, if I feel like I’ve done an overwhelming amount, I am comparing myself against the former me who just needed more time and experience before she morphed into the current “me”. It’s obvious the current “me” will be satisfied if I am looking back at what I’ve done.
In my opinion, the former seems more detrimental than the latter. I’d rather be feeling pretty good about my resume of life accomplishments than feeling like I’m lagging in experiences.
To counteract this feeling, I’ve been learning how to slow down, accept where I’m currently at, and appreciate the path I’m on. I’ve been learning how to thank my future self for pushing me to constantly have a goal, but I’ve also been learning to accept that my future self will always have something I currently do not. That’s just a fact. Instead of trying to control that, I’m just accepting that.
Over time I’ve learned that we all have “selves” who are bound to grow. We have past selves who we’ve shed, too. That is the nature of being human. It is also the beauty of being human. But, if you always want what you currently don’t have, you will miss what is around you at this moment. The thing about moments is that they all pass. So, if you’re not careful, you may lose more now than you gain later— which, if you ask me, seems like it validates telling your future self to keep going and reminding your current self she’s where she needs to be.
If you are struggling with this mentality, I urge you to start incorporating the word “yet” into your vocabulary. It may seem trivial, but it works wonders. All you have to do is tack “yet” onto any sentence, and you’re exactly what you should be at this moment— a beautiful, capable work in progress.
“That is not who I am, yet.”
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