The time has finally come.
I have so many mixed emotions about living in Italy by myself for an extended period of time (exact length, tbd). In the last few weeks, I have felt extreme excitement, disbelief, apprehension, and everything in between. I have spent a fair amount of time in Europe before and a fair amount of time by myself, but I have never blended those two elements together. As one would naturally guess, I am polarized with emotions knowing this is my biggest adventure to date.
For anyone who’s wondering, I am nervous about being completely alone while I’m traveling. There are so many “what if” scenarios that I’ve thought about or that people have presented, which raise obvious concern for me. From being a female, not speaking the language, being an ocean away from friends and family, feeling lonely, and all the other possible situations I can/will find myself in, I do get nervous when thinking of them— I can’t deny that.
But I also know that I’ll never fully exist without nervousness. If I solely allowed myself to think about how lonely I might get or how apprehension is alive and well within my current spectrum of emotion, I would never go.
I would chalk all that anxiety up to, “Yeah, best to just stay put. Too many scary scenarios could unfold.” But what kind of life is that? Frankly, I refuse to live a life where my nerves or fear of the unknown stop me from doing what I truly want. That is absolutely no way to live.
As the days have ticked by, my nervousness has grown, that is no secret. I just don’t let that side of me win. It can boil to the surface, it can present itself all it wants, but in the same way that I’m nervous, I’m also ready. Ready to grow. Ready to test my limits. Ready for a new experience. Ready to learn more about myself and the world I have the privilege of existing in.
I want to stress that I love to travel more than anything. I thoroughly enjoy site seeing, experiencing different cultures, food, music, traditions, etc. I love everything there is to love about being somewhere new. But traveling means way more to me than that. It means discovering parts of myself I have yet to meet. It means dismantling my inevitable ignorances. It means navigating situations that feel uncomfortable and foreign. It means growing into someone who will be better for her family, friends, and even strangers. It means tasting the truest essence of what life is at its core. In all its beauty and all its ugly. I want it all. And I will never taste it all by staying in one place.
One last reason why I refuse to let the nerves take over:
A year ago today I was aching for direction. I had no clue what the future held. If I were in the middle of a desert, I would not have known the difference; I was so lost and unsure where to turn next. So, I wrote a letter as if it were a year later, March 29, 2022— today. I envisioned doing something that was fulfilling and freeing. I didn’t know exactly what that was at the time, but I needed to hold onto hope that in a year’s time, I would be doing something that I would feel aligned to.
An excerpt from that letter is what follows:
A year ago, I would have never, in all of my life, guessed that I would be here today. I am clearly on cloud 9. I will ride this high out for as long as I am blessed to, but I also have something to say:
If you are reading this and feel like you’re at a low point and nothing is getting better or you’re in a cyclical rut of desperation, keep going. Those who stay committed will reap the benefits in one way or another. The cloud I’m riding will eventually dissipate, and I will reach obstacles that are inevitable in the future. The ebb and flow of life is just how this thing works. Learn to surf the wave, and when it’s your turn to be offered a cushioned seat, learn to ride cloud 9.
Be thankful. In the hard times and the easy ones. The only thing differentiating the two is time.
The night before this odyssey begins, I reflect on where I was a year ago. That version of me had no clue she would be making money writing and traveling by herself overseas. So that last reason why I refuse to let the nerves take over? I know this chapter was molded for me. I need to show past me that she was doing all she could and that that was more than enough.
So, please, keep going. Keep doing the dirty work. Keep trying. Keep believing in yourself, even if no one else does. You owe it to your future self. She’s waiting for you. She’s cheering you on. Listen for her voice, and then run toward everything you want full throttle and stop at absolutely nothing until you get there.
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See you in Lake Como.
Blue skies,
Tay
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