It’s been brought to my attention that some people (not naming any names 👀) think I’m… fearless.
🤔
^ that’s a live look at me trying to triangulate how to approach this assumption.
“Fearless” is quite a bold word to use when describing a person. Fear itself is inherent to the majority of the human species for survival reasons, but aside from primal instincts, fear is often a debilitating emotion that stops people from taking action.
I am no different.
For some real life examples, I’ll be very candid:
I am living in Italy by myself, right? I’m here alone, without friends or family by my side. But let me just say… that’s the easy part. Being set up in a condo, having access to every amenity you need, having working wifi— if I didn’t want to, I would never have to leave. I would need to go to the grocery store once a week or so, but other than that, I wouldn’t need to leave my condo.
What I’m trying to say is, getting to Italy, existing and sleeping in Italy, is not an act of fearlessness.
What’s hard is deciding you’re going to bring yourself to dinner for the first time in your life. Getting dressed and combating the thoughts of, “You have food in the fridge. You should just make dinner tonight instead.” Putting on your shoes, unlocking the door to leave, and pushing through, “You can still change your mind and stay home. There’s always tomorrow night.”
What’s hard is knowing that anytime you want to do just about anything, you have to do it alone. Going for a walk, going out to eat, going to a neighboring town, going to another city, going pretty much anywhere warrants having the courage to start the venture on your own.
What’s hard is putting yourself out there to meet new people. Ditching the stigma behind meeting people off of apps, reaching out to mutual friends, engaging in conversation with those who are directly around you.
I am not a fearless person at all. I constantly battle fear’s impressive power and force. I feel it every day.
I have to work at dismantling fear all the time. I was not born a naturally fearless person with spontaneity and adventure laced into my DNA. This is something I have to continuously cultivate and grow into.
At face value, yes, it may seem as though I am fearless of a lot. That I’m not afraid of traveling on my own, moving and living on my own, navigating unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations on my own, taking risks that reveal no immediate, tangible benefits, but let me be the first to state that I am fearful. I am naturally a more timid, cautious, nervous person— quite the opposite of what a “fearless” person is usually portrayed as.
When I was little, I had the worst separation anxiety from my mom because I was so scared of being alone in the world without a protector, without someone to fall back on and fully rely upon. It wasn’t until I was ten or eleven years old that I started going to friends’ houses and having sleep overs with little to no anxiety. An entire decade of some of the most vital, important years in terms of development I spent shying away from the spotlight, from social situations, from being anywhere near the center of attention— from so much. It is not “normal” or “easy” for me to be courageous. It is, contrary to popular belief, quite hard.
But I don’t believe that we have to choose this OR that, here OR there, one OR the other. For so long, I did have that belief engrained in me— that I was reserved, less outgoing, shy, and rather fearful of the world and what was in it— and that being anything else was meant for someone else.
Today, however, I don’t adhere to that bullshit whatsoever. I believe we all have the opportunity to be “and”. That we (if we so choose) can be this AND that, here AND there, one AND the other. Because who can tell us differently? The answer is no one.
My secret to being courageous is: you can’t just choose fear. You have to choose your desires, too. Fear will be present, but that doesn’t mean you forget about what you want. Remember what I said about “and” and not “or”? You have to choose “and”— you have to choose both.
Because you can be fearful and choose eating dinner at a restaurant alone.
You can be fearful and choose going to a new city alone.
You can be fearful and choose to still meet new people.
I want you to know that I’m here doing what I’m doing not because I’m fearless but because I’m fearful. I am very aware of the fact that I exist in polarity, and I will never likely be fearless.
That’s okay. My desires are strong, my mindset can push past the fear, and my life will be abundant and beautiful regardless of what emotions I feel and what traits of mine take center stage.
I have also come to learn that there is no better feeling than recognizing fear is in your vicinity, choosing to do what you want anyway, and coming out on top. Anytime I need a rush of adrenaline these days, I say to myself, “Look how far you’ve come.”
Go after what you want, and let fear watch as you crush your dreams, even if it’s in the passenger seat.
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