Letting Go

I have always been someone who’s done what she’s supposed to. I’ve followed the rules my entire life, and I don’t just mean that I’ve abided by driving regulations, refrained from violence, or never stolen. Those aren’t the ones worth bending.

I mean burnt myself out in high school trying to cultivate a perfectly crafted resume, went to a four-year college, graduated with an honorable degree, secured a job at a reputable company, and made sure I was an enjoyable team member.

I’ve played by the book since I was born. I’ve made sure my ducks were in a row and have always been cautious of doing the right thing.

It was inevitable for there to come a time when I would stray from that norm. If I’m being honest, it’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. When I was a sophomore in college, I would say over and over again that I didn’t feel like I was where I was supposed to be. I didn’t think college was right for me at that time, but for a girl who follows the rules, those feelings and thoughts seemed impossible to act on. In retrospect, I’m thankful that I stuck it out and graduated, but I also can’t help but think that if I did leave, I would have made my way, too.

I’ve learned over the years that who you become is extremely relative to who you’re around. I had always been under the impression that college was not a contemplation, it was a definitive (for me), taking a gap year was extremely rare, and quitting a secure, stable job with no back-up plan was crazy. I’m not saying that no one’s ever done it or that I would have been shunned had I taken a gap year. I’m saying I didn’t understand that I had options. I just accepted the natural progression of my life without thinking twice.

Moving out to Utah hasn’t changed my perspective in terms of wanting something different. It’s just shown me that my life is truly what I make of it. Had I signed another year-long lease in Boston and lived 45 minutes from home, I would have found every excuse under the sun to continue living in a limited capacity. Not because Boston doesn’t have opportunities (it’s filled with amazing ones), but because I was used to living in a structured, routine manner. And it was extremely hard for me to break from that cycle.

Since being here, I have made the decision to leave my job and trust myself for the first time in what feels like my whole life to do what’s right for me and not just what’s “right”. I have not one clue where the road will take me, and I’m very uncertain what I want to do next. All I know is that I came out here not knowing anyone, anything, or even visiting beforehand, and I am head over heels in love with this place. If I had enough trust in myself to pack my bags and move 2,400 miles from home, then I should have enough trust in myself to know that I will figure this next part out.

Recently, I’ve realized that the pain of staying where you are because it’s easier to keep choosing what’s familiar, is far greater than the pain of making deliberate choices that will reap benefits in the long run. I can’t continue to spend my days longing for change, feeling unfulfilled, and knowing I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I may not know what’s coming next, but I know what I’m leaving behind. There’s peace in my decision, regardless of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

A common fear that binds people to their jobs is being financially insecure. I am no different. I have bills to pay, a student loan to work off, rent, the whole 9 yards. I have no fairy godmother who’s going to grant me an allowance, and there’s a very slim chance I win the lottery, considering I never play. It has been wonderful having a job that allows me to live in a rather stress-free manner in regards to money.

But I also have a fear of wasting my time. Not in the, I’m going to lie down, watch tv, engage in mindless activities, way. That’s a given every now and then. I’m talking about the kind where I consciously know I’m ignoring that voice in me saying, “this is not it”. I have no idea what “it is”, and that’s the hardest part about quitting a stable job— I just have to trust that thing in me and hope, by the grace of God, that I figure it out.

I want it to be known that I’m sharing this because had I read, heard, or been surrounded by even one person I knew who showed me that taking chances and not knowing is okay, maybe I wouldn’t be in this predicament— maybe I would, I don’t know. I’m not encouraging everyone to quit his/her job at the first thought of “this isn’t for me”. That’s most definitely not the right move for every person. A lot of people figure it out while they’re still working, and that’s probably the most recommended way to go. But I’ve been job searching for a while, and I’m at a point where time off is what’s best for me right now.

There is no right or wrong way to do life. There’s guidelines and timelines and more lines that keep us confined, but intuition is your best judgment when every other line feels constricting.

If there is even one person out there who is wondering if making big changes is something she can handle, let me reinforce that:

Letting go of what isn’t for you allows space for what is to gravitate to you.

People won’t always understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. That’s okay. If you do (even if you don’t fully know), focus on what’s good for you next, and then keep that pile growing.

I want to stress that life is filled with options, opportunities, and new beginnings. We can feel limited and stifled during the monotonous periods. Remember that we create our realities by making decision after decision after decision, and you are always one decision away from a completely different life.

Believe in yourself, and when you’re ready, “go get what’s good for you.” - James Lewis, an incredibly motivating SoulCycle Instructor