I have gone through and I’m still going through what feels like a metamorphosis. It’s been challenging and rewarding all at the same time. Every day I’m trying to step into what I’m becoming, let go of what no longer serves me, and navigate what my next steps are. I have felt like a snake shedding its skin for a long time now, and I’m certain this time is teaching me more than I’m even cognizant of at this moment. There are many reasons why I’ve leaned into this internal conversion for this long. Amidst all of them, I am certain that without my commitment to my physical health over the course of the last year, I would not be able to mentally undergo this transformation. I wholeheartedly believe that.
Since I’ve been little, I’ve been a rather active person. I danced, did gymnastics, played soccer, volleyball, and went to the gym when I got older. I was introduced to the benefits of exercise at a young age and continued to be rather active most of my life.
Last March when the world came crumbling down, I looked at all the time I had from not commuting to work and thought, “I want to use this time as if it’s extra hours in the day I’m given.” Because, when it came down to it, they were.
That’s when I decided I was going to start consistently exercising. I hadn’t worked out in six months before that. I’ve always been inconsistent in terms of exercise. I’d go to the gym for a month or two then take a month or two off. That was my life. Ups and downs. All or nothing. That’s just what I knew to be true for me.
In March, I started off with twenty minute workouts. Twenty minutes felt like it lasted twenty years, but I remember thinking to myself that it didn’t matter if it were two minutes, even. I was going to put on workout clothes, grab a yoga mat, and workout in my living room. It didn’t matter if I crushed it or barely got through it. It didn’t matter if I modified every exercise or followed the instructor movement by movement. What mattered was that I was teaching myself to be consistent. That I was going to get stronger day by day. That if I put in a little bit of effort every day, I was going to see results and the kind of results that would stick around because I wouldn’t have done anything crazy to get them.
There have been days I’ve hated the workouts I’ve done. Days I’ve showed up to classes and thought, “I want to walk out of here.” Days I couldn’t stand the sight of the same four walls in the same living room that had to double as my gym. Days I’ve wanted to rip my headphones off my head because that terrible song would somehow sneak into my lineup of music. Days I took off to sit on the couch or in my bed and not move my body at all.
Physical activity is really not all about physical activity. It’s way more mental. It’s way harder to wake up at 6AM and go into a cold garage and stay committed to a forty-five minute workout. It’s way harder to set the same mat down on the same rug in the same place looking at the same decorations every single day. It’s way harder to motivate yourself to workout after a work day when all you want to do is sit down or sleep. It’s way harder to tell yourself you can do the hard things than it is to move your legs for just thirty more seconds.
All I wanted when I started working out consistently was to show myself I can continue onward even when it feels like I can’t. I wanted to move my body because the benefits from physical activity are felt long after the workout is over. I didn’t care if I got a fifteen minute workout in or a forty-five minute workout in. I just wanted to show up. To stay committed to something I knew was healthy. To show myself that I can, and I will because I can. I also needed to rest because I’m not a robot or a machine. I am a human with a lot to juggle, and there are a lot more important things in life than working out. But above everything else, I have come to the conclusion that: my health is way too important to ignore, and my happiness is way too important to restrict.
So, why am I sharing this? Why does it matter that I workout consistently now? Because I genuinely, truly believe that if I didn’t stay committed to a workout routine and move my body for almost a full year now, I would have never had the courage to do what I’ve done this past year. I would have never decided to move out of Boston or move to Utah or quit my job or share my poetry account or learn how to ski. I know that might sound crazy, but the truth is, your life depends on your daily habits. It matters what you read, what you say, what accounts you follow on social media. It matters what you eat, what you drink, who you hang out with. It matters how often you move your body, what environment you’re in, who you surround yourself with. Everything you do on a consistent basis literally shapes and becomes what you do now and later on. So, if I sat on the couch and longed for a more active lifestyle, I would have never decided to change my life in the big ways. They may seem big now, but in reality, it’s the all the small things that lead to the big decisions.
I don’t have a wealth of information about fitness, but I do know from experience that your mind gives up way before your legs do. I honestly don’t even look that much different now than when I started a year ago, but what’s changed the most is my mindset. And that is what matters the most to me. Fitness is about caring for your whole life. Your body is the only thing you truly own in this world. I care that I teach myself to be committed to my health and to stay vigilant about my well-being.
When I first started working out, I was afraid this would be a phase like all the other “day ones” were. I was waiting for when the burnout would kick in and I would stop caring about working out. The reason I’ve stayed committed for almost a full year now is because I don’t look at fitness as only physical. I think about what music I’ll get to listen to, how I’ll be able to just breathe and be present during my cool downs. I think about staying committed to my goals, and on the days I can’t get myself to workout, I don’t. I don’t make myself do anything. I just do what I can with what I have and call it a day. You will not make a lifestyle if the bar is set unrealistically high. That’s when burnout will kick in. You create a lifestyle by realizing imperfection is the only way forward and you modify when need be. You can change the path, you can change the direction, but if you deeply care for and value something, you will never change the goal.
My goal is to take care of the one body I have because there are people who would give everything to do a lunge or a push-up. I have an able-body and an able-mind, and those are two of the most important factors behind why I do what I do.
Exercise is a grueling thing for a lot of people. It can also be the release you need to be the whole person you’re longing to be. My body may only be slightly stronger now than it was a year ago, but my mind has reaped the benefits tenfold. Those are where the changes have made the most difference.
If you’re looking for inspiration or a place to start, I urge you to look into Kelsey Wells and her PWR program. That’s where my journey began and has continued. She has guided me through workouts on a week-to-week basis, but she has also played a big part in being the reason why I’m mentally just as strong. There are a plethora of fitness instructors and gurus you can follow for motivation. The reason I've always admired Kelsey Wells is because she preaches way more about what fitness can help you gain rather than what it can help you lose.
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