I will probably receive some heat for writing this and more specifically, sharing this, but growing into yourself (I think the phrase growing “up” does the youth no good) is learning to push past the boundaries that people have put in place for you and standing tall in the name of what’s yours— whether they like it or not.
I have hesitated sharing content that is extremely personal on here, not because I want to come across as someone who’s never faced adversity or to conceal my truest identity, but because people are entitled to their privacy. I have vowed to not use people’s names on my blog (except my sister and brother) and try my best to keep explanations of other people relatively vague.
But the truth is, I’m entitled to my experiences. I’m entitled to write about whatever I’ve been through especially when it’s been at the mercy of people who have had little regard for me. I decided that I’m speaking my truth no matter what, and although I still vow not to use names in my posts moving forward, if the shoe fits… lace those bad boys up and wear ‘em.
Let me bring you back to January 1, 2019. New Year’s Day.
I’m a proud member of the “thou shall set a New Year’s resolution” organization. I’ve been one for about five or six (maybe more) years now. I’ll take any opportunity to start new, dive deeper, or try harder. I don’t get why people care so much that others want better for themselves. Who cares if that phase for them only lasts two weeks? It has nothing to do with you, so pipe down. You don’t get a gold star for being a pessimist about others’ ambitions.
New Year’s Day 2019, I wrote down my resolution. Every year prior I had made a list of things I wanted to improve on. There were always about four or five bullet points in my list. And just to help set the scene, I’m not the, “I want to win the lottery, lose twenty pounds, go to outer space,” resolution-setter. My resolutions are to help me break a habit, form a habit, better my mind, social interactions, outlook, and overall health and well-being. They’re a lot more integral, if you will.
Except my resolution for 2019 was one word. One bullet point. Nothing else.
Blossom.
“Alright, Taylor, what the f**k does ‘blossom’ mean?”
I decided there was nothing specific I wanted to do that year. Instead, I wanted to be me in my entirety. Give myself the space to grow unrestricted in order to feel the most at home with myself. That was all I wanted.
I had graduated college a few weeks prior. Celebrated Christmas and my 22nd birthday at a resort in Aruba the week leading up to New Year’s Day. And I was just about to pack my bags and spend four weeks on a service trip in Asia. Life was good… or so it seemed.
That night, with the morning zen slowly dissipating off my aura, I sat down at the kitchen table with my family and others to eat dinner. Homemade spaghetti and meatballs (except no meatballs for me— I was pescatarian). A fan favorite.
Plates were served as normal. Seats were taken as normal. Conversation unfolded as normal. All was well.
Until dinner was wrapping up. I was at the table with just one other person. Everyone else was clearing their plates at the kitchen sink.
And within minutes of sitting there, one snarky, calculated, rhetorical question was laid into me, and instead of sitting there and taking it, instead of letting every ounce of my self-respect fall through the cracks and “taking the high road”, I looked this person dead in the eyes and said, “Not today, Junior!”
Except that’s not at all what I said.
All hell broke loose after that.
The most telling part of this entire altercation was that in the midst of this person unleashing their wrath on me, I had never felt more at ease. In between spit flying, octaves raising, doors slamming, and fists hitting tables, I felt so still and so at peace. As if my soul was quietly whispering, “We have been waiting for you to stand your ground.”
Now, I’m not going to make this all sound philosophical and deep. It was unbearable and really upsetting for everyone involved. After the whole initial peace wore off, anger set in, and it turned ugly. That argument quite literally changed everything, and even though it felt inevitable (and a long time coming), its effects weren’t easy to deal with.
I remember being urged to apologize and make things right. To forgive this person and offer peace. I was asked to ponder my response during my service trip to Nepal and to return with an apology.
Four weeks came and went. Close to three years now have also come and gone.
I have never and will never apologize for that night. I am not sorry for not playing small for someone else’s pleasure.
I believe in harvesting peace, offering forgiveness, apologizing when you’re in the wrong, and looking at situations from different perspectives.
But as I look back on January 1, 2019, I realize that in the morning of that day, I decided my resolution for that year was to “blossom”. I wanted to stop playing by other people’s rules just to appease them. I wanted to step into the next best version of myself. To be unapologetically me. And later that day, I did just that.
I spew a lot of wisdom here on this blog. Writing inspirational content is literally one of my favorite things about being alive. I’m not even saying that dramatically. I am saying that with 100% sincerity.
But if you read my posts and they offer you nothing, let this one validate that nothing and no one is worth giving up your peace for. Not your significant other, not your boss, not your mother-in-law, not your sister, not your best friend— no one.
There is nothing that feels as good as honoring who you are at your core and standing strong in the name of what you’re here for.
Since that day, I’ve learned that my age, my gender, my education, my softness, and my entire being are not inconvenient or insignificant. They are a potent combination that have set me free.
Please, know that you should apologize for your wrongdoings. When you feel the pang of, “shit, I shouldn’t have done that,” honor that signal and apologize. It will be liberating for both you and that other person.
But when someone wants to get a rise out of you by questioning who you are as a person, do not ever apologize for what makes you, you.
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