Oh, The Places You’ll Go

I have spent the last six or so months relearning what it means to be myself--- to reunite with the me who was patiently waiting underneath all the noise I was listening to. To be very candid, this time has been confusing, exhausting, and challenging but also extremely rewarding, freeing, and revealing. Regardless of all its peaks and valleys, I would not trade a moment of my time in Utah for anything. I have learned that uncovering parts of ourselves is a journey throughout a lifetime. We never cease to keep evolving; therefore, we always have to listen in order to hear what’s calling us.

I came out to Utah with the intention to do more of what serves me and less of what doesn’t. I came for an adventure, for the nature, for new beginnings, and for whatever this time had in store for me. Essentially, I had no plan or agenda. I let time dictate what my life would look like, and for the first time ever, I trusted that I would run into what I needed, when I needed it.

I don’t know if I manifested my transformation or if it was just a matter of taking a leap of faith and getting lucky, but I have never felt more authentic, more aligned to the essence of who I am. To feel at home in my body and mind is a feeling that I’ll never take for granted. It is one that I chased quite a distance to reconnect with, but I was ready to travel to the ends of the Earth to find it.

With all that said, I also felt that my time here was finite. I felt like Utah was where I needed to be at this point in my life, so eventually this phase was due to fizzle, like all phases do.

There are places we go that are meant to shape us, push us, build us, but not meant to keep us. I felt that I was only meant to pass through, so I took from it what I was meant to.

So many people raised eyebrows and questions. What am I doing? When will I start working again? How long of a “break” do I need?

I understand the need for answers. I understand the questions and concerns. I really, really do.

I also think we need to reconsider the fact that everyone’s definition of success is different. I have no real proof of what my time in Utah has looked like from the inside out. I have pictures of hikes I went on, mountains I skied, state parks I visited, and much, much more, but I have nothing to show for the internal transformation I’ve undergone while here.

My proof is only in the way I carry myself, the interactions I have with others, my reactions to inevitable problems, the way I spend my time, my conscious effort to continue growing, and in all the little ways we tend to overlook. I do not have much more than just this blog as tangible evidence. That is hard for some people to understand, and I see why that may fall short. I just no longer care to show examples of my success based on other people’s definitions. My time here has changed so much of my mindset, and that is the epitome of my version of success.

So, what now? Where do I go from here?

I had only signed a six-month lease back in November, not knowing what I would do come May. I left it up in the air to give myself the freedom to let my time in Utah reveal what I would do next. That was both nerve-racking yet exciting in many ways.

As much as I love it out here and feel like I have grown and learned so much, I am ready to head home. I have no idea how long I’ll be home for, but I know that, for now, I’m ready to be back with my family, friends, and pup.

That being said, I will never stop traveling, exploring, and chasing what’s meant for me. If I feel compelled to uproot my life and move across the world to Hong Kong, I will do so. I will not look back on this life of mine and say “if only”. I am too damn lucky to be alive and healthy to not do what I am here to do. That is always a motivating factor for me.

Please take my journey and transformation as evidence that you do not need approval or clear-cut reasonings to begin a new chapter. If you have only so much as a feeling to start anew, let me say this: you can choose again. You always have the power in any given moment to choose again.

Color your life outside the lines. Make it worth every paint stroke, and for the love of all that’s good in this world, vow to never give up being the painter.