One time, maybe a year or so ago, someone I don’t know read a poem I posted on my Instagram account, and they commented on it. They wrote, “I just felt it”.
Now, I don’t have a wide reach with my account, so I don’t have thousands of comments flooding in when I post a poem, but I’ve also had my account for 3.5 years. So, I’ve read my fair share of comments over the years, and out of everything people have written me, that one sticks out the most.
Why?
I can’t always incite action, but I can try my best to make people feel. To help them feel less alone. To help them feel more validated in their emotions or situations. To detail the moments of life we talk the least about. To just write from my heart in hopes that someone, somewhere feels a little more understood.
Which is a really long-winded way of saying: what I’m about to explain has taken me a while to write, but ultimately, if someone can feel anything from what I say, then it’s worth it for me to share.
So without further ado…
“Force” is a rough word. It insinuates that resistance is present, and if there is anything I’ve tried to do in the last few years of my life, it’s rid my reality of resistance and follow the path that offers more ease.
But I realized a few weeks ago that I have always associated “force” with other people’s ideals, society’s standards, or some other external frameworks.
When I was in high school, I did everything I could so that when it was time to apply to college, I would be seen as an “ideal candidate” to the admission departments of my choice. When I was in college, I did everything I could so that when it was time to apply to jobs, I would be seen as an “ideal employee” in the eyes of recruiters.
I’ve felt force from the beauty industry, from the gaze of men, from successful moneymakers, and from so many other “authorities” outside of my control, too. I feel like I’ve felt so many forces from so many different directions, that I grew so averted to the idea of any kind of force. If it went against my grain in even the slightest way, I revolted it. No. No. No. No. I don’t want what you want for me.
And I still stand by that. I don’t want to live any other life other than my own.
But a week or so ago, I realized that I have to rely on force right now. That if it weren’t for force, I would be doing… just about nothing.
Right now I’m forcing myself to do a lot. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed in the morning, to brush my teeth, to wash my face, to put my headphones on, to move my body. I’m forcing myself to eat nutrient-dense foods and to do my laundry and to check two or three things off of my to-do list every day. I’m forcing myself to get outside, to take deep breaths, and to read before I go to bed. And I’m forcing myself to sit down and write this blog and then hit the publish button no matter how nervous I am to release this post.
I have to force myself to do the little things and the big things right now, and I think most people looking in from the outside wouldn’t be able to detect the difference between me forcing myself to do these things and me willingly doing these things. You can watch me go about my day as if I’m the happiest, most motivated person in the world when really, I’m constantly saying over and over again in my head, “I know you don’t want to do this, but we’re going to do this whether you like it or not.”
I am aware that I am in mentally trying times right now, and for weeks, I watched myself decline with no intervention from my wiser, more conscious self. I am still struggling everyday, but I am also actively choosing to do what I know is best for me. It’s not fun for me. It is not easy. It is not something I am comfortable talking about, which is why I am writing about it.
But I’ve learned that sometimes I need to be forced to do what I don’t want to do, not because someone else wants me to do it, but because my future self wants me to do it. She needs me. She is rooting for me. She is waiting for me, and she also reminded me that if I ever want to show up as her, I need to show up as me. In everything I am right now. In all that I feel. I need to be me if I ever want to be her.
There is no magic carpet ride or express elevator lift to the “happier”, “more fulfilled” version of yourself. It takes showing up in all of your misery, your sadness, your heartache, your whatever, and telling yourself that yes, right now, it’s really fucking hard, but it does not have to stay that way. And you don’t have to believe that right now. You don’t have to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”. You just have to force yourself to do one thing that the future version of you would thank you for, and then you have to force yourself to do the next thing and the next thing, and somewhere along the line, you’ll realize you’re not forcing yourself anymore. You’re doing it because you want to.
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The last three weeks from returning from Italy have brought on a great deal of post-travel depression, and I have had a hard time readjusting to my life here because “here” still feels a little foreign to me. Even though I was only gone for about three months, my heart and mind have been elsewhere for longer. Coming home wasn’t just about settling back into my normal life and not being able to stare at beautiful Italian views. It has forced me to ask myself, “What am I doing here?”, and that has caused more turmoil in me than I would like to admit.
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I say and share what I do so that you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. So that you can sit in your little corner of the world and feel safe in your own space. Even if you never reach out to me to say, “I just felt it”. Even if you never tell anyone what you’re feeling, you can maybe, just maybe, go about your daily life knowing that someone understands. And sometimes that’s enough. To know you’re not alone. To know that as you get out of bed and start your day or shut off your phone before you close your eyes to sleep, all these thoughts, observations, all these feelings you feel— they’re not only picking you to plague, even when it feels like that.
My hope is that you feel a little more at peace with what you’re going through because for whatever it’s worth, I see you, and I’m here validating your experience through sharing my own.
Please, keep going and not because I want you to (although I do), but because the future version of yourself needs you. Just as you are right now.
Sending you so much love❤️
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