There are three things in my life that have saved me.
One of them is someone l would take a bullet for.
The second is my dog.
And third— the mountains.
When I say “save” I don’t mean they stopped me from self-harm and are the reason I’m still alive.
I mean, they are three things I can say without a shout of a doubt that have made me love life, my journey, and myself more. They have helped me stay true to who I am, strengthened my bones, and flushed out the impurities my eyes were focused on.
I think we all have things that save us. Things that we didn’t know we needed or didn’t know would turn into what they are today, but without them, we’d be different. Maybe these things didn’t completely alter the trajectory of our lives, per se, but they sank into our skin in a way a lot of other things didn’t.
Like the mountains, for instance. When I moved out to Utah last November, I flew into Salt Lake City at night, so I didn’t see the mountains right away. That first night, my sister and I slept at a hotel, and I woke up early the next morning to go to the gym. It was still pretty dark out when I left my room, but after I worked out, I walked up to a window and watched as the sun rose over the mountaintops. The sky lit up with soft yellow and oranges, and it illuminated the mountains in a way that stuck to my soul. A tear ran down my cheek, and I remember just standing there for a few minutes. It felt like that moment was molded in time for me.
It was my first reassurance that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. All the weeks and months of wondering if going to Utah was the right move were solidified in just that moment alone. It was when I was confident that the mountains had indeed been calling. That my intuition had led me to a place that it knew I needed to be.
The person I would take a bullet for is also someone who has let me bare it all to her. She has watched me unravel the entanglement of my thorny thoughts and has listened as if my words were imperative to human conversation. I cannot stress how vital that reliance is. I am beyond blessed to have a community of women in my life I know I could turn to for anything, but there is just something about feeling seen, 100% seen, that is truly soul-saving.
And my dog— I will never hear the people who say, “She’s just a dog!” I pray those people find the love I’ve found in her in anything within their own lives. Because when you feel the amount of love I do for Rosie, you understand that love is not reserved for just humans. It has no shape, no size, no restrictions. That little being has imprinted on my heart and has shown me a lifetime of love in just under five years. I will live the rest of my life indebted to her existence for showing me how deeply and how unwaveringly I can love.
The three things that have saved me have seen me in all my worry, in all my ugly, in all my moments of complete and utter disorientation and have loved me anyway.
Do you know how hard that is? For someone or something to see your truest, rawest self and to still welcome you with open arms? It is one of the rarest things to find. To know that your entire soul is safe somewhere and that whatever happens will not dislodge the admiration and love it has for you is beyond measurable. It is the definition of priceless.
I urge you to reflect on what’s saved you. If you can, thank those things. Even if they’re no longer here. Even if they’re far away. Even if they can’t talk back. Let them know that you stand a little taller, laugh a little louder, and breathe a little easier all because they offered you the space to relentlessly become, un-become, and re-become who you are today. There are so many things that will help you along your journey. The ones that leave their mark deserve to know they are a part of the reason you have found peace within yourself.
To the three things that have helped pave the path I walk along— I am positive that we were always meant to meet. My entire life was orchestrated so that I would run into your embrace when I needed you most. Each of you have offered me the reassurance that after every storm, despite all that weathers, and when each flash flood passes, the sun finds a way to peek through. With that understanding, I have always felt that in some way, I owe my life to the sun. Know that in the storms I’ve endured, you have been my sun.
All my love and then some.
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