I tend to think we’re a naturally jealous species. We watch other people relish is what we so badly want and feel that boiling emotion rise to the surface. It brings on an onslaught of second-hand side effects, too. You don’t just think, “Man, I wish I had his/her life,” and then continue on with your day. You usually start to compare your situation with theirs, highlight your downfalls, and beat yourself up over the gap between where you are and where you want to be. I think most of us have been there. Most of us actually stay there.
A while back, about five or six years ago at this point, I watched myself envy other people’s lives. I would compare myself to other women physically, other people academically, financially, socially, romantically— just all the ways possible. It was a disease I came to realize was deteriorating my own well-being. It was also a silent killer. Jealousy crept into my mind without me even noticing and would trigger a spiral of unnecessary commentary long-after I stopped scrolling through social media, left the room/party, or turned off the TV. Jealousy was controlling the strings, and I was the puppet.
It took a very long time for me to come to terms with the fact that my relationship with myself was at the hands of other people. I was giving so much attention to being on someone else’s ride and chasing the success that was lined up for them to achieve, that I stopped running for what had my name on it. It was an exhausting journey, and it was insanely unfulfilling. And ya know what? I had no idea how much time I was giving other people. I thought I was still on my own path, doing my own thing, and I was... to a degree. I was also unaware of how jealous I was and how that robbed me of time, attention, and love I could have given to myself.
I don’t have any magic spell you can cast to completely cure yourself of jealous tendencies. There’s no quick-fix to curb your toxic inner dialogue which is responsible for comparing yourself to other people. You are not going to solve your envious side overnight. The work you have to put in to steering clear of jealousy is exactly that: work. It takes time, it takes reinforcement, it takes a lot of correcting that pesky voice in your head to leave what is meant for other people to them.
What I do have are the techniques that worked for me. It was the repetition of these techniques + a lot of time that led to where I am today. I want to share them because they were revelations that changed the relationship I have with myself and how I view other people, and I am way better off with the mentality I have now than I did back then.
If you are someone who often gets jealous of other people, try implementing the techniques I practice(d) to eliminate those tendencies.
1. When you compare yourself to other people, you lose sight of what you stand for.
When I heard this statement, I pretty much stopped dead in my tracks. When you know your worth, your value, and what you are capable of, you do not worry about where other people are compared to where you are. You understand your path is specific to you and only use who you were yesterday as a comparison for who you are today. It is imperative that we realize we all have unique abilities. If you find that you spend your time comparing yourself to others, you have lost your ability to see your power. You have to know what you are made of, and then you have to stand by that.
Write the above statement down in the notes section of your phone, screenshot my blog, set that quote as your lock screen (I do this all the time with something I want to work on but might forget— e.g. working on my posture, staying present, breathing), or write it down and stick it somewhere you’ll see it a lot. You are 18x more likely to do something or believe something if you see it every day.
2. It is self-centered to be jealous of what other people have.
If you see someone on a tropical vacation while you’re at home buried in snow, or you see someone celebrating a promotion while you’ve been busting your ass for a higher rank, no matter how much you want to be in their shoes, you simply are not (yet at least). I started thinking of jealousy as stealing other people’s happiness. Instead of saying “I’m so jealous of you,” replace it with, “I’m so happy for you.” Other people deserve fun vacations, promotions, their partner, and all their success just as much as you do. It is unfair to bring the situation back to yourself when you can use that time to uplift, empower, and congratulate someone else.
3. Unfollow anyone who doesn’t serve you and your own happiness.
It does you no good to constantly be inundated with pictures, videos, and messages from people who make you feel less secure in who you are. If they are not serving you, motivating you, or helping you grow, they are not worth the follow.
Social media is a very powerful tool. It doesn’t have to be a vortex of self-destruction and evoke jealousy. It can be a place where you go to get inspired, keep in touch, and share what feels valuable to you. If there is anyone I start to compare myself to or even just feel that tang of bitterness for, I unfollow them.
Also, you can tailor your algorithms to see what you want to see (to a degree). It’ll take self-control and repetition, but all you have to do is be mindful of what posts you’re clicking on and how much time you spend searching for or looking at specific people/niches. It is possible to curate a feed that suits you. I have a poetry Instagram account @poetay_, and my explore page solely consists of poems and written passages. I make sure I’m only clicking on and searching poetry related accounts in order to only see what I go on that account for.
At the end of the day, social media is a big part of life, and it plays a role in our mental health. If you want to be less jealous and happier overall, ditch the accounts that make you feel less than.
4. In the realm of romance, you should not compete with anyone for attention or affection.
I don’t think jealousy is worth the mental energy when it comes to your significant other. I’ll speak in terms of myself here, but no part of me wants to worry or be jealous. I will not spend my time trying to figure out where a guy’s loyalty lies or what he’s up to. When I make a commitment to someone, I expect he does the same to me. I choose to lend my trust to men I want to be with because without trust, nothing else matters.
If you are worrying about another person while you’re in a relationship, you are creating unnecessary burdens on yourself. If you are jealous of your significant other’s ex, you need to remind yourself that you are never going to be anyone but you, so you should just stop trying. And above everything else, if you are still jealous and have plausible reasoning that your partner isn’t being loyal, you have to walk away for the sole fact that you’re not in a competition. Love is not a sport. No one else should be getting a trophy but you, and if someone else is, that’s when you blow the whistle and call it quits.
Like I said before, none of my recommendations are going to cure jealousy overnight. It will take time practicing each of these techniques before you start to notice their effects, but it’s really worth putting them into play. I can truly say that I follow each one of the suggestions I outlined, and over the years, I have grown to be someone who rarely gets jealous.
Before I end this post, I want to highlight something I once heard about jealousy that didn’t sit well with me. It was:
Jealousy is beneficial because it shows you where you want to be or who you want to become. It points out the areas in your life you know you can further develop.
I do believe that it’s possible to see jealousy as beneficial because it shows you what you could possibly have. I also believe that the negative sides of jealousy wildly outweigh the positive side. It hinders your uniqueness and causes pain that seeps into your subconscious. It can be a catalyst for development at times, but if it causes destruction in the meantime, it’s not worth fueling.
You are you for a reason. Let others live out their lives, applaud them for what they do, and then be happy— for them and for you.
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