There are a lot of words I don’t like. Some of them are the obvious (or should be obvious) inherently hateful and derogatory terms. I continue to add to a “I vow not to use these words” list as I continually learn the roots of distasteful vocabulary.
But, most of the words I don’t like are actually a lot more mainstream and casual. Just for reference, I strongly dislike the word “silly”. I also don’t like “content” (when it’s used as a synonym for “satisfied”). There are reasons why I don’t like certain terms, and although most of them have good stories to back up why, there’s one in particular I want to talk about today: self-care.
What I picture when I hear the word “self-care” is a girl reading a self-help book in a bubble bath with a face-mask on. She has candles placed around the bathroom, the lights are low, and a bath bomb is disintegrating in the water. In short, I see a really commercialized concept dictating how women care for themselves in times of distress, high anxiety, or just the average hustle and bustle of everyday life. “Self-care” feels like a marketing gimmick, to me at least.
I will be the first to say that I love bubble baths, face-masks, lighting candles, not so much bath bombs, and reading books that I deem transformational. I have no shame in admitting that I’m often the girl I described earlier— the one relaxing in a bath tub, so if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
It’s just that self-care does not always mean a relaxing day at the spa. You can slap a face-mask on, sit in a bubble bath, and burn candles any day of the week, but if you’re looking for long-term, fundamental change, you have to address the other side of self-care that’s a lot less glamorous.
Self-care is also saying no to anything that doesn’t adequately fuel you or add value to your life. It’s learning how to put yourself first after putting the opinions of others before you for so many years. It’s finding the courage to step outside of your comfort zone, try new things, and align yourself with what’s best for you instead of giving into the repetitive routine you feel drained by.
This is why I don’t like the word “self-care”. Social media has hyped up the term to be really surface-level. There are so many influencers and celebrities who promote products that make it seem like all you need is the latest face cream and eye mask to really care for yourself— as if some beauty product, a glass of wine, and “treat yourself” is the cure for feeling unfulfilled.
By all means, buy your skin care products, drink your wine, and treat yourself as much as you want, but please do not be fooled by these “quick fixes” when what you really need is much deeper and dirtier than that. No one is going to show you that they’re learning how to understand their mind, deal with negative self-talk, disassociate from toxic people, and feel whole all on their own. If it’s not pretty, chances are you’re not seeing it. That doesn’t mean it’s not happening; it just means it’s not picture/video worthy.
It is the easiest thing to look in the mirror, feel good about yourself, and say “I’m doing really well. I like where I am and where I’m going.” It is a lot harder to say, “I’m doing really well. Is there anything I’m denying myself or avoiding that will help me feel better?”
Being completely honest with yourself can be really uncomfortable and confusing and scary, but at the end of the day, knowing that you’re taking care of yourself in a way that is consistently helpful, despite how uneasy you feel the first time you do it, is not just self-care— it’s self-love.
So, don’t let anyone convince you that self-care only comes in Sephora bags. People who embody the true definition of self-love know that self-care manifests differently each day. No two days are exactly the same, so it’s only natural that what you do to care for yourself today is different than what you do tomorrow. That is okay. That is actually to be expected.
All in all, I vow to never badger anyone for using the term “self-care” because who am I to tell anyone that a bubble bath is not what they need? I myself try to avoid using it because I don’t think it’s robust enough to encapsulate its truest meaning, but regardless, I focus less on what I call it and more on what it’s about.
My hope is that you don’t come away from this post thinking that a bubble bath is a sin or a phony form of self-care. My hope is that you’re more aware and honest with yourself about what you need. Some days that may be a glass of wine and a good book. Other days it may be deeper rooted work. Either way, know that honoring your body, your mind, and yourself is a personal journey that will fluctuate and look different throughout life. Your techniques and go-to activities may change, but what I hope the most is that your self-love remains.
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