I’m going to tell you something I never thought I would write about.
Now, I don’t have a list of topics that (in a Pinch wise) are “off limits”, but there are definitely people, conversations, experiences, and parts of my past that I want to keep to me. I share so many vulnerable thoughts and moments with you here, but believe it or not, this is not my journal. These pieces are curated for an audience, and although I try my best to keep it real and raw, I only share what I feel comfortable sharing. I’m fully aware that as soon as my words are on the internet, they’re no longer “mine”. They’re “ours”, and with that said, I must be okay with letting them shape-shift and contort while you familiarize yourself with them.
That’s the beauty and reality of letting your art live out its destiny in the world.
You must be brave enough to release it, and then you must be strong enough to watch it mold into whatever people want to craft it into.
Luckily years ago, I decided I would side with bravery in the light of my gift for the sake of selflessness. In other words, who am I to keep these messages to myself when I’m 100% certain they were never intended only for me.
Which is why I decided I want to share what I’m about to share with you.
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I am a woman, a person, a human—whatever you wanna call me— of extremes. I have been this way my entire life. It may be coded in my DNA, or it may be a learned habit of mine at a very young age—the origin— I am unsure of. Nonetheless, that’s who I am. I know all too well how it feels to be giving it 100% or to be neglecting it completely. I let it consume my every waking thought, or I’ve repressed it. I’m all in, or I’m far, far away. I mean this in context to almost everything.
I have spent years trying to equalize my need to be one extreme or the other, and although the idea of being “in the middle” is similar to how I imagine paradise, I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever happily exist in that space. That both frightens me to no end and, simultaneously, is who I think I was born to be.
I have always thought that contentment— neutrality, you could say— is mind-numbing. I am more enraged and motivated by complacency than I am by inadequacy. Call me crazy, but I would rather suck at something than be average at it. At least if I’m bad at something, I am enlightened by how it humbles me or, on the contrary, I am inspired to prevail because I’m nowhere near triumph.
You could say this is fueled by one thing or another, but I know that I have such an aversion to the word “average” and all of its synonyms because of my need to feel in extremes. To feel everything all at once or to feel nothing at all. To be number 1 or to be dead last. To be at the forefront of my growth and development or to be the one holding myself back.
I am obsessed with polarities and paradoxes, and it’s because I am one. I know exactly how it feels to be on opposite ends of many different spectrums, and I am always amazed by the people who like to intentionally stay in the middle. I admire these people. I applaud these people. I think so highly of them.
However, in that same middle-ground space, I find those who unintentionally float there. Who simply exist to exist. Who never call their own shots. Who are okay with sitting back and watching the world pass them by. Who don’t take the reins into their own hands. Who are only here because it’s not there time yet.
And to be frank, those people terrify me. They terrify me so much that I have lived a large portion of my life in aversion to them.
Perhaps it’s a morbid thought, but the end is something that constantly motivates me. I am led by a strong intuition, and I am simultaneously led by the hindsight view of my life. When it is my time to knock on death’s door, will I have said I did it all? Will I have said that I went after it? That I collected what was mine? That I gave more conscious attention to my own desires than their ideals for my life? And if, by the grace of God, I have to answer with “no”, will I, at the very least, be able to say that I tried?
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If you’re thinking to yourself, “I don’t understand why these thoughts are something you never thought you’d share.”
Let me spell it out for you:
I am in a cyclical pendulation between intense periods of spiritual awakening and phases of complete silence. Both extremes exist to teach me valuable lessons, yet I cannot deny the fact that the silence feels like complacency and complacency feels like destruction. The phases of silence, ideally, should be when I reset, when I apply the knowledge I absorbed during the enlightened moments, but I haven’t figured out yet how to be here with my heels on the ground when my head is in the clouds.
For me, enlightened learning is the epitome of where my soul is free. It’s pure bliss and transcends the commonly understood feeling of happiness. I don’t necessarily seek happiness as I know it’s meant to come and go, but I do indeed seek peace and bliss through non-physical means.
And during my phases of silence, when silence feels like complacency and complacency feels like destruction, well, let’s just say the opposition that exists within me is a battle I have fought for most of my life. A silent one at that.
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To feel so deeply, so abundantly, so intensely, is a blessing and a curse, and I tip my hat to the people who are seated next to me on the swing between the extremes. It is anything but a smooth ride; however, we are amongst the few who get to see the views at every angle. For this, I am afforded the privilege of living life to its fullest. For this, I am eternally grateful.
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