I’m writing this on a train from NYC to Providence on Monday, August 29, 2022.
I just spent the last two plus weeks with my boyfriend parading him around the East Coast. We made a few day trips to Boston, caught a Yankees vs. Red Sox game at Fenway, beached it on Cape Cod for a couple of days, hiked in the White Mountains, swam in Lake Sunapee, ate seafood in Gloucester, drank margaritas in downtown Scituate, screamed over each other at the loudest dinner I’ve been to at a rooftop restaurant in Providence, ventured to “concrete jungles where dreams are made of” according to Alicia Keys, and managed to fit in a few downtime activities, believe it or not.
Since spring I’ve said, “My summer doesn’t start until August 12th (the day my boyfriend arrived from Italy).” I waited months to cram in all my fun summer plans with him, and I can confidently say that we had fun. We had a lot of fun.
But I don’t necessarily care to let you in on the details of my fun.
What I do care to tell you the details about is something that younger me is hootin’ and hollerin’ over right now. She’s watching present me, and she’s cheering her on. Big homemade neon sign being broadcasted from the bleachers. Megaphone in hand. Jumping up and down in her seat. That’s young me, and I’m damn fucking proud of it.
So, what is young me so happy about? The reason is personal, but isn’t everything I share personal? The answer to that is “yes”, so I decided I wasn’t ending that streak today.
~
I come from a long line of divorce. Both sets of my grandparents are divorced, and actually, funny enough, my maternal grandparents have been married three times… to each other🥴 Yes, you did read that right. They divorced each other twice and married each other three times (they’re married now if you’re curious).
The divorces don’t stop there, though. My parents are divorced, I have an aunt and uncle who are divorced, and I think it’s safe to sum this up by saying, love is… tricky!
Personally, love has been tricky for me, too. I’ve gone through my fair share of heartbreak and hiccups. Before meeting my current boyfriend, I honestly didn’t know what healthy love felt like. I dreamt about it. I thought about it in the day, too. I saw it in movies. I read about it in books. But felt? Unfortunately, no.
But for the last almost three weeks, I’ve been shown what healthy love feels like. (Let the record state he showed me nothing but healthy love when I was with him in Italy, too).
So, I want to share what this love has taught me because boy, oh boy, it has taught me so much.
However, before we get into it, I want to make one little stance: heartbreak teaches you A LOT, and it’s pretty evident by my earlier explanation that I know what heartbreak looks and feels like, directly and indirectly. But heartbreak isn’t just felt by people who are recently out of a relationship. Truth be told that you can be heartbroken while you’re still in a relationship, when you’re staying in a situation that you know deep at your core isn’t right for you, but for whatever reason, you’re still in it.
This post specifically goes out to the people who are heartbroken and don’t know what it feels like to be in healthy love. First, I want you to know you’re not alone. Second, I want you to know this isn’t where you have to stay.
What healthy love feels like through the lens of my love story:
Healthy love will feel safe. Your significant other will hold your hand a little tighter to stop you from crossing the street when a car comes barreling down the road out of nowhere.
You’ll feel accommodated for. The person you love will suggest you get food from the restaurant you want to eat at instead of making you eat something you are really not in the mood for.
You don’t feel bad about saying “no”. You can confidently and guiltlessly tell your significant other that you don’t want to go out and socialize.
When you’re not feeling well, they’ll slow down the pace of your day, skip an activity altogether, get medicine for you, lie with you in bed, suggest foods that will help you heal, etc.
There’s no tit for tat. It’s doesn’t feel like you’re keeping score and constantly trying to one up or get even with your significant other.
That heaviness: it’s not there. You’ll trade weights for feathers when you’re in healthy love.
That emptiness: it’s not there, either. You won’t feel heavy, but you’ll feel full.
They will listen to you when something is wrong, and they will be attentive to your needs. Your problems won’t feel like a burden.
Your significant other will give you space to be alone, but if ever asked, they would say they like being with you more than being without you.
Healthy love won’t take more from you than it should. Love is tricky, like I said. There will be ups and downs in healthy love, and everyone who is in a relationship has their fair share of problems. But healthy love will never empty your cup and leave you feeling parched. It will pour you a glass of wine, cheers to a good night, and walk hand-and-hand with you home.
I want to say that I’m not in a perfect relationship. I don’t know if that even exists, and maybe some people feel differently, but that doesn’t really matter.
What matters is you know that healthy love exists. Period.
Perfection might not be attainable, but settling for a love that feels anything but healthy is wrong. It’s plain wrong. There’s no other way around it.
And quite frankly, waiting for a rainy day to leave unhealthy love behind isn’t what you’re waiting for. You’ve sat through rain storms for a long time, and the next one will come and go while you use your umbrella to shield yourself from the rain drops just one more time.
I know. I’ve seen a lot of people walk into my house with sopping wet clothes dripping off their backs. I’ve walked in the same way, too.
What you’re waiting for is to see if unhealthy love has the capacity to turn healthy. You’re holding onto the glimmers of hope that pop through when the clouds clear up, but may I suggest that healthy love isn’t only felt when the sun is shining. It’s there in the rain, in the lightning, in the thunder, and in every natural disaster— it’s there.
Healthy love begins when you let unhealthy love go. You will find healthy love in someone else, but truly, the healthiest thing you can do right now is walk away from the person who isn’t serving you.
I urge you to trade your umbrella for an oar. The healthy love I’ve felt once said:
It’s hard… And every day will be harder… The goal is to sail in this sea together because we are in the same boat, we have to row in the same direction.
That's when I knew.
Healthy love will keep you afloat, so keep your life jacket on and let the umbrella go.
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