Why Not This Life?

I’ve had one foot in the US and my other straddling the globe for what feels like my whole life.

I’ve watched friends move to cities, start careers, and begin new chapters while I’ve questioned why I couldn’t do it myself. Why couldn’t I just pick a city, establish my roots, and get on with it?

That’s a loaded question, if I do say so myself, but the overarching truth is: I don’t want to.

I can’t picture myself in any city here in the US. Every time I’ve brainstormed where I could move to, start anew, assimilate into a world full of people who’d become friends, not a single place resonated.

NYC? No.

LA? No.

Miami? No.

Austin? No.

San Diego? No.

Back to Boston? No.

There have certainly been times when I’ve berated myself for not having the urge to just be “normal”.

“Why can’t you just be like everyone else and make this living thing easy for me?” I’ve heard myself ask.

Oftentimes I go against that inner voice of mine and try to pursue the opposite of what I feel called to. However, every time I do that, something falls through. At the beginning, before I had countless failed attempts under my belt, I thought to myself, “Okay, it will happen. I just need to stay patient and keep at it.”

But somewhere along the way, when failed attempt number 100 and 200 and 300 sprang up on me, I realized that all the failed attempts were blessings in disguise. They were keeping me from going down a path I never even wanted to walk down. That it was not a matter of being patient. It was a matter of being aligned.

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Although I can’t envision myself living in a city within the US at this point in time, I can very clearly and easily envision myself overseas. That narrative feels natural. It feels right.

When I finally decided to honor that desire of mine, the floodgates opened, and the possibilities became clearer to me.

As the possibilities came into vision, I also felt, what I can only describe as, a buried emotion poke through the surface into my consciousness.

I started visualizing myself having everything I wanted in life. I brought all five senses into this practice. I let the feelings envelop me as I imagined myself in a job I loved, with a loving husband by my side, a family I cherished, money that sustained me, and eternal happiness. I acted as if I already had all of those things.

As I allowed myself to envision what it would feel like to already possess them, I found myself still feeling a void. That void prompted me to then ask myself, “What is missing?”

And as quickly as I asked the question, I knew the answer.

~ I do not feel like I was meant to simply enjoy the luxuries of life, and I don’t mean designer clothes, sports cars, mansions, millions of dollars. I mean the real luxuries. The fact that I’m able-bodied, able-minded. That I’m educated, I have a passport, a roof over my head, food on my plate.

I don’t think that I can sail through life achieving milestones and marking each phase as “complete” if I am of no use to anyone but myself.

I know that the missing piece to my puzzle is using my life for the goodness of others. It’s in finding ways to serve. To count my blessings and then help someone else acquire theirs.

Although I hope to always help people through my words, I know I have potential for so much more.

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With that said, I’ve decided to pursue a master’s degree in International Development (or an equivalent field) in Europe starting in September 2023. If you had asked me four years ago if I’d ever step foot in a classroom again, the answer would have been, “hell no”. I swore off formal education for (what I thought was) the rest of time, but life has a funny way of working out, and four years later, I don’t repel the idea anymore. I actually welcome it.

My heart has very obviously been overseas for quite some time, and humanitarian work just speaks to my soul. The opportunities that may arise by putting myself back in Europe, back on a campus, back with a cohort of like-minded individuals, and back on track to serve, feels plentiful and abundant.

I don’t have any concrete plans or strict agenda, but I seem to thrive when I let the universe do its thang for me. That’s what I plan on continuing to do.

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And last but not least, I want to tell you a brief story that I keep coming back to:

A few years ago, when I was 22 or 23 years old, I was listening to a podcast called “Today Explained” while driving to my 9-5. I loved that podcast because it broke down complex issues, current events, heated debates, and important topics into very digestible segments. I was always hooked on episodes about life in developing nations and the problems that plagued the citizens there.

After listening to one of the podcast episodes, I called my sister, and I told her, “In another life I was in international affairs,” and she said back to me, “Why not this life?”

At 22, I thought I missed the mark. I had already gone to college, gotten a degree, and secured a job. In my mind, any other ship had already sailed. I was gearing up to ride out my wave for 40+ years.

At 25, I will be damned if I ever have that mindset again.

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You are never too old or too far along to change course. Please recognize that you are surrounded by infinite opportunities at every given second, and the power to choose again is always within you.

Do not save “it” for another life when you are worthy of "it" in this one, too.

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