Yeah, I Will Write About This

One thing I will never do is let someone tell me what I can and cannot write about.

I vow not to use names and vow to keep descriptions of people broad enough so no one’s privacy is compromised here on my blog, but I draw the line at someone giving me a list of what’s “acceptable” according to what their palate can handle.

My blog is not an open forum; it’s never been one and never will be one. If I wanted to run a forum, I’d start a newspaper.

What I write? You can’t find in your local daily news. Nowhere even close.

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I had gone on a couple dates with him.

The first one was okay. Not too exciting, not completely horrible. There were a few orange flags, if you will, but nothing a second date couldn’t help me smooth out.

So, I agreed to go to dinner again. Decided to give it a shot. Thought, “What the hell. Why not?”

I also want to add: that’s not my usual. I’ve gone on a lot of first dates that end there because nothing sparked my interest, so a second date is kinda a big deal for me.

*Gosh, how I wish it ended there.*

The restaurant portion of our second date was better than the first date altogether, I will admit that. The conversation felt like it flowed a little easier, and I wasn’t as nervous meeting him a second time.

Which is the reason why, following dinner, I agreed to continue the date (and where everything went south).

~

I’ll begin the story by saying: I had never been so disrespected by a human who barely knew me. He made a lot of assumptions about what I wanted, who I was, and what I would tolerate, which showed his true colors within five hours of knowing him.

I found myself in a situation that challenged my level of self-respect, testing whether or not I would allow what was unfolding to continue.

It wasn’t a situation in which I feared for my safety, but it was one that made me want to get the hell away from him as fast as possible.

One that made me very uncomfortable and very upset. I had just experienced the breadth of healthy, safe, nurturing love, so it felt like whiplash to be tossed the complete opposite. It brought me right back to, “Oh my God. I know there are good men out there, but why does it feel like a wild goose chase just to stumble upon one of them?”

Hope had been restored when I was in my last relationship, yet everything I had leaned into over the course of that relationship was tested in the span of that one night.

~

Despite everything this man said—all the bullshit he spewed to me—the worst thing of all was when he scoffed at me and asked, “You gonna write about this?” in the most condescending tone.

As if to say, “Was this little encounter blog-worthy enough for you?”

Needless to say, that was the last time I ever saw him.

~

Thankfully, I was at a point in my life where I could spot early signs of manipulation and narcissism before they became full-on red flags, but I left him that night thinking of how easy it would have been to blame myself. To fall for the gaslighting—to listen to his words instead of my intuition.

It made me think of all the girls who had been in my shoes but didn’t catch on so quickly. The ones who ignored their gut feelings and made excuse after excuse for horrible behavior because his rebuttals were… not outlandishly wrong, but definitely not right either.

It made me think of the ones who followed lust until lust gave way to love and love masked “master manipulator”.

The thing about being with a master manipulator is you cling to the moments of bliss. You hold onto the snippets of “good” and find suitable reasoning to justify the “bad”.

“Well, it wasn’t totally his fault.”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up when he had a bad day of work.”

“It’s my fault for not telling him the exact time I’d be home.”

“Maybe my explanation wasn’t clear enough.”

Bullshit. All of it. All the excuses you’re throwing out. Every last one of them.

Sure, it probably wasn’t totally his fault.

And yeah, no one likes to have a tough conversation after a bad day of work.

You’re right. You could have told him when you’d be home.

Maybe your explanation wasn’t 100% crystal clear.

It. does. not. matter.

An emotionally intelligent, respectable man will never—let me repeat that again—never coerce you into believing his word is more valuable than yours.

We need to find a way to drill that into every little girl out there, and yes, I said “we”. This is a collective effort. You, me, and the whole world.

~

It was a full week before I was back in my body. A full week of running that night on replay through my head to make sure I wasn’t the one at fault so I could safely conclude I dodged a deadly bullet.

In those seven days, while I had 168 hours to ruminate in my thoughts, I decided I would never stay silent for a man who loved to hear himself talk more than he cared to listen.

I will never tolerate gaslighting, manipulative behavior, or blatant disrespect from anyone, especially a man. There have been far too many women who’ve been silenced for one reason or another, and it is, of course, out of respect for myself that I walk away from someone who’s toxic, but it’s also out of respect for the women who went through far too much that I put my foot down, as well.

So, yeah, I will write about this, and if the shoe fits, it’s your goddamn size for a reason.

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